


Make a Dragon Wanna Retire, Man

by TheBrightestNight



Series: Spice Up Your Life [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24464104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBrightestNight/pseuds/TheBrightestNight
Summary: Alt. click-bait title:My (Scotch) Bonnet Lies Over the Ocean | Basira tries a new recipe from a friend. Tim is the guinea pig.
Series: Spice Up Your Life [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762909
Comments: 10
Kudos: 61





	Make a Dragon Wanna Retire, Man

**Author's Note:**

> This idea was inspired by something the true MVP, [justletmeremember](https://justletmeremember.tumblr.com/), has done, which was eat an entire habanero on a dare because, much like Jon, they are wicked smart, pure of heart, and dumb of ass. And I will never, ever, ever let them live it down. More details in the end notes.
> 
> **This does contain spoilers from S2 onward.**

They'd tried playing "paper, scissors, rock." They'd tried "nose goes." They drawn straws. They'd even tried a random generator.

But none of them were ever satisfied and demanded they do it again or do something different.

Meanwhile, Jon and Basira sat at one of the desks and chatted away easily, waiting for the other archival assistants to make up their minds.

"I could always try it for you, Basira," Jon said. "To point out the obvious."

Basira laughed. "It's more fun this way, though, wouldn't you say?" She looked over at the archival assistants—Tim, Martin, and Melanie; Daisy was off running errands for Elias, who rarely, if ever, visited the archives anymore, even just to do is "check-ups"—who were playing another game of "paper, scissors, rock." Jon looked too and smiled.

"Good point," he said. "But from the looks of it, they still won't have decided by the time our lunch break is over."

Over in the group, Martin sighed. "This is getting us nowhere."

"I'm not going to do it," Melanie said. "I've already embarrassed myself enough, thank you."

"You guys are making too big a deal out of this," Tim said. "We wouldn't be here if Melanie had accepted her defeat the _first_ time we played paper, scissors, rock."

"Excuse me!" Melanie started in. So did Tim. With Martin trying to calm them back down. And Basira and Jon laughing as they listened to their incoherent fighting.

Finally, Melanie decided to end it, "Okay, then, smartass," she said, glaring at Tim and pocking his chest. "If you're so much better than me and Martin, then why don't _you_ go eat her soup?"

"I will!" Tim turned, then, and marched over to Jon and Basira, who were trying to get their snickers under control, so as not to piss any of the others off before they had anything to really laugh about, re: the archival assistants trying spicy food.

Tim sat down and pulled the extra travel soup container Basira had brought in toward him and grabbed one of the extra spoons lying on the table. He opened the lid of the container and got a whiff of the spices, which tickled his nose and made his eyes water. But he blinked back the tears and managed to keep himself from sneezing as he looked up at Basira.

"What is it again?" he asked, apprehensiveness sneaking in to him. Why was it so easy for them to get him to do these things?

"It's a recipe from a friend, who lives on Saint Lucia," Basira explained. "It's a spicy Caribbean chicken soup, flavored with scotch bonnets. My friend told me that as long as you don't eat the pepper, the rest of the soup shouldn't be overpoweringly spicy." She paused and glanced up at Martin and Melanie, who had ventured over to watch Tim's potential and hilarious demise. "Even for you guys."

Melanie glared at Basira but didn't say anything, since she had no room to talk. Martin simply pouted. Tim seemed to preoccupied, looking down at the soup.

"Right." Tim swallowed hard before dipping his spoon into the broth and taking a careful test sip. The apprehension melted off his face and he looked pleasantly surprised. "I think your friend was right," he said, taking a few more sips. "Huh. I'm actually enjoying this. The spice is somehow just right."

Basira and Jon exchanged glances, both their eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Oh, a tomato or something?" Tim asked, as he pulled a small, roundish, red-orange thing up from the soup on his spoon. Basira turned to look just as he brought the spoon to his mouth.

Basira gasped. "No, that's the—" she tried to say but it was already too late. Tim was chewing and as soon as his teeth had broken the skin of what he thought could have been a tomato, he realized his mistake. "…the pepper." Basira tried to hide her amusement, which was mixed with sympathy. "You…you just ate the scotch bonnet."

In retrospect, Tim should've just spit the pepper out, then and there. But the heat of the pepper had coated his tongue so fast and so ferociously, his mind ablaze, his body went into autopilot and that autopilot said: "Something is in my mouth. I must chew and swallow." So he did, which ignited his throat and stomach, as well.

Tim's face turned red. Sweat beaded on his whole face, the back of his neck. He could even feel it under his armpits. He coughed involuntarily and looked over at the minifridge but couldn't move, afraid it would only make things worse.

"Milk," he coughed, his voice hoarse. "Milk!"

Both Martin and Melanie looked at each other before rushing over to the fridge and getting out as many cartons as their arms could hold. Tim was reaching for a carton before either of them even had time to set them down on the table, which caused all of Martin's cartons to go spilling out of his arms and onto the floor.

As Tim opened up his carton and started chugging the milk, Martin quickly began picking up the cartons he had dropped and Melanie set her cartons on the desk next to Tim before bursting out laughing. She had been embarrassed when she couldn't handle her spice but this was so much _better_. Worse for Tim. Better for her.

Basira was dying of laughter in her chair, nearly falling out of it she was laughing so hard. Jon had managed to control his laughter _just enough_ to help Martin pick up the cartons he'd dropped and set them next to Melanie's. Then he and Martin, who was trying to hold back his laughter now, leaned up against the side of the desk, side-by-side, and continued to giggle and snicker. Just when they thought it might have passed, they saw Tim drop a now empty carton before reaching for another one, and broke into another fit of giggles.

Tim was too busy dying, trying to quell the fire in his stomach, to be rightfully mad.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Bonus:_  
>  **Basira:** You thought it was a tomato?  
>  **Tim *leaned back in his chair, groaning, surrounded by empty milk cartons*:** I swear I saw Sasha eating them like they were cherry tomatoes.  
> *meanwhile, in Elias's office*  
>  **Elias:** *rubbing his temples as he watches what the archival staff is getting up to*  
>  **Elias:** *regretting his life decisions*  
>  **Elias:** *afraid to go down there lest they try to kill him with spicy food again*  
> –  
> So to detail the story:  
> This was in our first year of living together, first year of college. So we didn't know each other as well as we do now, mind you. Our college had a vegie garden that you could volunteer at and they did this, along with some bitch-ass white boys. And this garden happened to have habanero peppers. Well, the white boys were complaining that "touching the papers hurt too much." (boo hoo) So they dared my friend to eat a habanero pepper. And my friend didn't think anything about that was a bad idea.
> 
> Was it a Power Move? Absolutely.  
> Was it a dumbass move? Absolutely.
> 
> Anyway, thanks to justletmeremember for letting me share this story.
> 
> Extra note: Tim means the real Sasha, not NotSasha, even if his memory is only of NotSasha now. NotSasha never ate any spicy foods.
> 
> This idea was also inspired by a scene from a show called _Death in Paradise_.
> 
> reblog on tumblr here
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed! Comments are much appreciated ^_^
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> TheBrightestNight


End file.
